i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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