I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
