If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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