My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
