I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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