i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
