I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Randomize
