The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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