I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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