All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
