Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
