and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
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