i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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