Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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