good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
