I wish I could punch you in the face.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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