he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
