My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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