You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Randomize
