She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
