You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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