I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
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