My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
