So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
