I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
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