I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm at about main and main street
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
