i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize