so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
You are the jesus of drinking
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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