You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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