Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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