My sheets look like a crime scene.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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