so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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