sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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