Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
