I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize