I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
