I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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