For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
