i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
God I need to hump something, right now.
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