im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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