I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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