She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
