Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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