I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
