A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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