He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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