I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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