Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
