i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
