Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
