I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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