i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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