I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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