if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
