if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
