Yo dont text me then not text me
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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