Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
