I haven't been this sober since birth.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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