The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
