I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
